Well here goes nothing
It’s 12:48 am on a Monday morning
And I just stuffed my face the whole day
I’m actually closing my eyes while typing this because the screen on my macbook laptop is too bright for me
I’ll spell check this at the end
Anyway, as an introduction to my life, and what I’m about to blog about for the next two weeks… is that fad called the Lemonade Diet. But first…
I’m what you call… a bulimic. In cases with people who have bulimia, one never usually expresses to the world that he/she is bulimic, because one, they are ashamed, and two, I guess it’s just not something to brag about. But the thing is, okay now I have my eyes open, but yes, the thing is, I’m not bragging that I have bulimia… heck, I don’t think any living person would like to have this disease, but I am writing this to express what we (people with bulimia, or eating disorders) go through… so people can understand that it’s not just a weight issue. But it’s incredibly deeper than that. It goes past weight, through emotions, being tossed into ways to cope, and becomes triggered every single time a little tiff comes along…. Which sucks… completely. By tiff, I mean… if I were to get into a little argument with the madre (mom, incase you didn’t know what that meant, and I’m not Mexican or Spanish in any way, I just like using madre) anyway, say I was to get into an argument with her, immediately, once I start to get upset, my brain automatically thinks FOOD! I reach out to a bag of chips, two maybe three slices of toast, butter on it of course, hmMm a glass of milk, some cookies, left over turkey? Yes please. And maybe some vanilla ice cream, oh and more cookies too. And it becomes a binge in a second. Consuming more than 2000 calories in a snap, and purging it all up minutes after…. just because of a stupid little argument… Now tell me that isn’t insane. You must be thinking, “if you know it’s insane, then just don’t do it.” And that’s the beauty(CRAZINESS) of it… we can’t just stop. I’ll try to explain the feeling as best as I can without boring you out of your minds. But it’s not that it feels good, or we’re really hungry, or that we’re weak-minded people who just think about appearances… it’s not that at all… it’s just… it become so much of a habit… and an easy way to run free from reality for a while… instead of becoming upset over an argument or any kind of disruption to our happiness… or feeling controlled by an outsider… food distracts us from any of those situations… and in those minutes, hours that we are eating…. All we have on our minds is the food that we’re consuming, and the thought of throwing it all up… (sorry for the graphic terms, if you don’t like that I’ll use ‘purging’)… anyway, so we escape from what we have to deal with, and run away to a place where we are in control… and it’s so sad if you just think about it because how is that a way to cope? The only way for us to feel in control of ourselves is to eat and purge and focus on food and our weight to distract us from drama, abuse, miscommunications, arguments, sadness…. etc? It’s just ridiculous… But in any case, I’ll write more about that later if you all want, if it’s just boring I’ll end it here. So what is this lemonade diet you ask?
I am going to sound like a total hypocrite right now, but starting tomorrow I will be putting myself on a lemonade diet. It consists of:
2 tablespoons of organic lemon juice
2 tablespoons of maple syrup
1/10 teaspoon ground cayenne pepper
and 10 oz of water
drink 6-8x a day for 20 days (but i'm just doing 14 days)
and i'll also be eating 300 calories a day.
UGH. you have no idea how torn up I am right now. just looking at that looks freeeaken riDONKulous!
but i'm going to do it.
starting Stats: height: 5'1'' weight: 120 lbs
I'm doing this because i want you dieters out there to see how much damage dieting does on your body... i wish i could think straight for once and get out of this bulimia/stupid behavior... but why not make a lesson out of it. maybe this will help me overcome my disease? hmMmm we'll see.
why not enjoy the world? i want to break free!
peace out boy scout!
-coconut girl in a hot fashion world
5 comments:
WELL COCONUT GIRL, ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE.
I FELT EVERY WORD AS I ONCE WENT DOWN THE SAME ROAD.
I THINK YOU ARE MORE ON THE ROAD TO RECOVERY THAN YOU THINK.
JUST PUTTING IT ALL OUT THERE LIKE THIS IS A BIG STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION.
NX
HI CCGIRL,
I WAS IN MY MID 20'S WHEN I STARTED TO PURGE, I THINK IT WAS BROUGHT ON BY MY DEPRESSION AND SELF LOATHING, ALWAYS THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS FAT AND UNINTERESTING AND THOUGHT THAT NO ONE WOULD EVER SEE ME IN A NICE WAY.
REALY DON'T KNOW FOR SURE WHEN I STARTED, BUT KNOW IT WENT ON FOR TOO MANY YEARS, WHEN IT STOPPED, ALSO DON'T REALY KNOW.
I GEUSE I GOT TO THE POINT THAT I REALISED I WAS DOING MYSELF ALLOT OF HARM AND THAT IT DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF, IT JUST GAVE ME ANOTHER REASON TO HATE MYSELF BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW SKINNY I GOT, AND I GOT REALY SKINNY FOR A BLOKE MY SIZE AND AGE, (54 KG),MY PERSEPTION OF MYSELF DIDN'T CHANGE.
I HAVE BIPOLA DISORDER, SO MY WEIGHT ISSUES GO UP AND DOWN WITH MY MOODS, I THINK I WILL ALWAYS HAVE A WEIGHT ISSUE,BUT HAVE SINCE FOUND A HEALTHIER WAY TO PURGE.
BLOGGING MY LIFE TO THE WORLD.
IT HAS SIDE AFFECTS THOUGH, MEETING NICE PEOPLE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD WHO CAN RELATE TO WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN OR ARE GOING THROUGH.
TAKE CARE, LOOK FORWARD TO READING MORE OF YOUR BLOG.
MILES.
CAN'T SEE ANY LINK TO FOLLOW, BUT I WILL BE.
CHEERS.
Coconut Girl,
Have just found your blgo and find it really interesting cause I too was bullimic for about 4 yrs.
With me I think it was definitly because of family stuff, societal impression but most of all bad self-esteem and not knowing how to actually eat healthily.
I've kind of over-come it all...years later. If you want to talk about it send me a comment.
Love nd Kisses
Sal
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